A PRAYER FOR THE NEW YEAR

God grant us this year a wider view,
So we see others' faults through the eyes of You.
Teach us to judge not with hasty tongue,
Neither the adult ... nor the young.

Give us patience and grace to endure
And a stronger faith so we feel secure.
Instead of remembering, help us forget
The irritations that caused us to fret.

Freely forgiving for some offence
And finding each day a rich recompense.
In offering a friendly, helping hand
And trying in all ways to understand;

That all of us whoever we are ...
Are trying to reach an unreachable star.
For the great and small ... the good and bad,
The young and old ... the sad and glad

Are asking today; Is life worth living?
The answer is only in, loving and giving.
For only Love can make man kind
And Kindness of Heart brings Peace of Mind.

By giving love, we can help this year
To lift the clouds of hate and fear.

Helen Steiner Rice

2010 REPORT CARD

As we begin 2011, how would you grade your 2010 report card? From 1-10, with 1 being the worst and 10 being the best, how would you grade yourself in the following areas and why?

Man/Woman_____

Son/Daughter_____

Husband/Wife_____

Father/Mother_____

Sibling_____

Grandfather/Grandmother_____

Career or whatever you call work_____

Overall rating regarding how you used your life in 2010_____

If you knew you only had a month to live, what would you try to do before you croaked?

If you died tonight, other than being dead!), what would be your greatest regret of 2010?

How would you like your epitaph to read?

Now that we’ve dealt with the 2010 Report Card and death issues, during the past year when did you FEEL the most alive?

NEW YEAR'S WISHES FOR SENIORS

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastro-enterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber and the I.R.S.

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

May New Year's Eve find you seated around the table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends. May you find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.

May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may the commercials on TV not be louder than the program you have been watching, and may your check book and your budget balance - and include generous amounts for charity.

May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent, your siblings; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.

And may we live in a world at peace and with the awareness of God's love in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile, every lover's kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.

CHRISTMAS QUOTES

Do give books - religious or otherwise - for Christmas. They're never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal. Lenore Hershey

A good conscience is a continual Christmas. Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)

A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. Irish Proverb

At Christmas play and make good cheer, For Christmas comes but once a year. Thomas Tusser

Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. Matt Groening (1954 - ), The Simpsons

At Christmas I no more desire a rose
Than wish a snow in May's new-fangled mirth;
But like of each thing that in season grows.
William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616), Love's Labour Lost

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. Kin Hubbard (1868 - 1930)

Christmas is a holiday that persecutes the lonely, the frayed, and the rejected. Jimmy Cannon

Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family... Berke Breathed, Bloom County Babylon

WORDS TO PONDER ON CHRISTMAS EVE

The most destructive habit? Worry.

The greatest joy? Giving.

The greatest loss? Loss of self-respect.

The most satisfying work? Helping others.

The ugliest personality trait? Self-centeredness.

The most endangered species? Dedicated leaders.

Our greatest natural resource? Our youth.

The greatest "shot in the arm"? Encouragement.

The greatest problem to overcome? Fear.

The most effective sleeping pill? Peace of mind.

The most crippling failure disease? Excuses.

The most powerful force in life? Love.

5 More Rules for Healthy Living

1. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her- believe them.

2. Perhaps the best advice your mother gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"

3. If you’re over 50, never pass up an opportunity to use the bathroom.

4. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

5. Living well really is the best revenge.

FIVES RULES FOR HEALTHY LIVING

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. Never go anywhere without WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The four most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship– "I'm sorrry" and "You’re right." Just make sure you don't get it in reverse and say-- "You're sorry" and "I'm right!"
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately– it's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

How About a Little Marital Humor...

NICKNAMES:
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

OLD FRIENDS

Old Friends-
Pitchin' pennies in the park
Playin' croquette till it's dark
Old Friends.

Old Friends-
Swappin' lies of life and loves
Pitchin' popcorn to the doves
Old Friends.

Old Friends-
Lookin' up to watch a bird
Holdin' arms to climb a curb
Old Friends.

Old Friends-
Lord, when all my work is done
Bless my life, and grant me one
Old Friend.
Just one Old Friend.

Written by Roger Miller
Sung by Willie Nelson & Roger Miller

PUT THE GLASS DOWN

How heavy is a glass of water? Depending on the size of the glass-- maybe 20 grams, or maybe 500 grams? It does not matter on the absolute weight. It depends on how long you hold it.

If you hold it for a minute, it’s okay. If you hold it for an hour, you will have an ache in your arm. If you hold it for a day, somebody will have to call an ambulance. It is the exact same weight, but the longer it’s held, the heavier it becomes. What you have to do is to put the glass down, rest for a while before picking it up again.

Likewise, if we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, we will not be able to carry on because they become increasingly heavier. We have to put down the burden periodically, so that we can be refreshed and are able to carry on.

So, before the day is over, as the old spiritual says, "lay your burden down." You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burden you’re carrying on your shoulders, lay it down for a while. Pick it up again later when you’ve rested.

Rest and Relax.

Life is short, enjoy it!!

Broken Heart...

A broken heart keeps on beating just the same. (From) Fried Green Tomatoes

Happiness?

I'm only as happy as my unhappiest child. David Foster

A Little Humor From My Niece...

1. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

2. Was learning cursive really necessary?

3. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

4. Bad decisions make good stories.

5. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

6. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

7. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

Thanks KD

Little Known Facts...

The liquid (milk) inside young coconuts can be used as a substitude for blood plasms.

No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

The wing span on a Boeing 747 is longer than the Wright brothers first flight.

TOO GOOD NOT TO BE TRUE! (Author Unknown)

Jasper and the Unbaked Yeast Rolls

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you, who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child about whom you know nothing and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.

Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me.

Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200. But I digress.

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time.

I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend. I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment.

I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs am. Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for a few hours. Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour. The rolls were ready to go in the oven.

It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night.

God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.

We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dog out to relieve himself. Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction.

He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence.

His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk.

He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol. Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day.

My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off.

Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it.

Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karen's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something. Of course, as the old adage goes, 'what goes in must come out' and Jasper was no exception.

Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house. Having discovered his 'packages' on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.

This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor with stood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure.

We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house.

I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door.

It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to: 'How to clean unbaked dough from the carpet.'

And how was your Thanksgiving Day?

More Thoughts For My Friends

We all take different paths in life, but no matter where
we go, we take a little of each other everywhere. * Tim McGraw

My father always used to say that when you die, if you've
got five real friends, then you've had a great life. *Lee Iacocca

Hold a true friend with both your hands." * Nigerian Proverb

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing
it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

Never let a small conflict ruin a friendship.

Random Thoughts For My Friends

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a
hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without
you." * Winnie the Pooh

"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is
seldom known until it be lost." * Charles Caleb Colton

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the
world walks out."

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk
behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my
friend." * Albert Camus.

"Strangers are just friends waiting to happen."

"Friendship is one mind in two bodies." * Mencius

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."

"If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a
friend." * Stone Temple Pilots

"I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay." *
Dave Matthews Band

"Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you
say. Best friends listen to what you don't say."

A Little Wisdom from George Carlin...

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend toorecklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

Aging Has Its Good Point

The older the violin the sweeter the music. From Lonesome Dove

In Case You're Ever on Jeopardy...

Who is the biggest grossing actor in Hollywood history? And yes, I said history!
Name your 3 strongest prospects. Did you list Tom Hanks? If so, you are correct, if not you get a beep!

In Case You're Ever On Jeopardy...

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser in that order.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Refelection on Thanksgiving

For most of us, thanksgiving is a time for indulgence with food, family, and friends. Perhaps most of us ate too much turkey, drank too much wine, and/or ate too much dessert. Now that we are still trying to recover, maybe it's a good time to remember that you can never get enough of what you don't need!

THANKS

Whether you are Christian, Jewish, Islamic, Hindu, Buddist, Shinto,
Sikhism, Unitarian Universalism, atheist, or mugwamp, one of the most basic signs of spiritual awareness is the ability to say "Thanks." And I do! How about you?

The Eagle or the Turkey?

Thanksgiving is practically synonymous with turkeys. In fact, numerous people refer to Thanksgiving as "turkey day."

The eagle is our national bird. I love eagles. I have several figurines in my office and in my study at home of these awesome birds. Ben Franklin thought the turkey should be our national bird. I love turkeys, too, and I'll be doing my annual ritual of roasting a 20 pounder again this year. I love Ben Franklin but I'm sure glad he got out-voted for our national bird.

For some reason, I just can't imagine having several turkey figures in my office and study. I can't see having a turkey on the back of my motorcycle jacket. And who can imagine the greatest rock band of all time, The Eagles, being called The Turkeys!

I'll stop there before somebody thinks I'm starting to sound like Andy Rooney!!!

WHY I LIKE THANKSGIVING THE BEST

Of all the religious or secular hoidays that we celebrate, my favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. There are several reasons for this, of which I'll name a few.

1. Thanksgiving is the least commercialized-- we don't do gifts, or fireworks, or any elaborate decorations.

2. Thanksgiving is about family-- whether your literal family or one you've created.

3. Thanksgiving is about, well, it's about giving thanks. It's about gratitude, appreciation, acknowledgment of what is important in our lives.

4. Thanksgiving is about commemorating the past, and those who've gone before, and about enjoying the present, no matter the circumstances.

5. Thanksgiving is a good reminder that an attitude of gratitude is one of the best human traits any of us can acquire.

What about you? What do you like about Thanksgiving?

America, A Christian Nation?

The uniqueness of America is not that we're a Christian Nation but that we embrace Religious Freedom. Since our inception we're always had a wide range of religious persuasions. What a great thing to celebrate during this Thanksgiving season.

Love This One...

It is said that at the end of time, the lion and the lamb will lie down together. Maybe so, but I bet that lamb won't sleep much. Woody Allen

FIVES RULES FOR HEALTHY LIVING

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. Never go anywhere without WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The four most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship– "I apologize" and "You’re right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately– it's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

On This Day...

PONDER:
Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore...
And who always will.

On This Day...

DANCE as if no one is watching.

LISTEN as you'd like to be listened to.

FORGIVE as you'd like to be forgiven.

LIVE as if there's no tomorrow.

Thinking Aloud

WORK is if the money doesn't matter.

LOVE without expecting anything in return.

PRAY without asking for favors.

PLAY as if you were still a kid.

Everybody Needs a Little Help...

If you ever see a turtle sitting on a fence post, he had help! Little Jimmy Dickens

Fundamentalism?

Fundamentalists may be wrong but they are never in doubt.

Archie Bunker (ism)...

Revenge is the perfect way to get even.

My Sentiments Exactly

Today, we shall eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow, we diet!

A Sobering Thought...

Somebody always draws the short straw. dd

How About Another Good Laugh...

When a traffic cop stopped a car for speeding, he asked the motorist, "Do you have an ID?" To which the mentally challenged driver replied, "About what?"

Time for a Chuckle

As part of a secretarial interview, a CPA was interested in the woman's math skills, so he asked: "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 15%, how much would you take off?" She replied, "Everything but my earrings."

On This Day...

Standup for what's right even if you have to stand alone.

On This Day...

Do it even if you don't want to. Enjoy earth's beauty. Do something generous to a stranger. Speak softly even if you're angry.

On This Day...

Share something you cherish. Try to understand. Gladden the heart of a child. Show your loyalty.

On This Day...

Encourage youth. Apologize. Examine your demands. Talk yourself into confidence. Stand tall against malice.

On This Day...

Think first of someone else. Listen. Appreciate. Be kind and gentle. Laugh loud and long.

On This Day...

Speak your love. Speak it once again. Speak it still again. Speak it still once again.

On This Day...

Keep a promise. Find the time. Forego a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Listen.

On This Day...

Mend a quarrel. Search out an old friend. Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust. Write a love letter.

Forgiveness

The weak can never forgive; forgiveness is an attribute only of the strong.

Something Good...

Not every day is a good day; but there is something good in every day. dd

Something to Ponder

You can never get enough of what you don't need! dd

Thoughts to Ponder

If the best things in life are not things, then why do we spend the majority of our lives acquiring, consuming, using, and giving things?

Billy Joel

"I would rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints"

More Cowboy Logic

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen, anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

From a Lifelong Motorcycle Rider

Four wheels move the body;
Two wheels move the soul.

1st Graders Wisdom

1. Better to be safe than..................... punch a 5th grader.
2. Strike while the ........................... bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before.................. Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of......... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but......... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that................... looks dirty.
7. No news is................................. impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a..................... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new............. math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll........... stink in the morning.

Top Ten "NEVERS"

Never stand between a dog and a fire plug.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Never try to teach a pig to dance.

Never roller skate in a buffalo herd.

Never try to make a silk purse from a sow’s ear.

Never try to shove a cat.

Never try to “herd” marbles.

Never try to heat an oven with snowballs.

Never try to start a fire with ice cubes.

Never try to baptize a cat.

Abused Women

"Abused women often live their whole lives with the sound turned off, and then they die." From the movie Affliction-- Nick Nolte's first big break through in film.

Great Wisdom... Heed

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you
didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away
from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream.
Discover. .... Mark Twain

How Bout Some More Cowboy Logic...

* Meanness don't just happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

More Cowboy Logic

If it's a fence, mend it. If it's a dollar bill, spend it
Before it burns a hole down in them jeans.
It it's a load, truck it. If it's a punch, duck it.
If she's a lady, treat her like a queen.

Gotta Love This Redneck Woman

A redneck couple and a very sophisticated couple were seated side by side on an airplane. The redneck gal, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?"

The other woman indignantly replied, “My dear, do you not know it is incorrect to finish a sentence with a preposition?!”

The redneck woman sat quietly for a few seconds and then replied:"So, where ya'll from, bitch?"

COWBOY LOGIC

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

That's Bad Luck

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield

GOOD SERMON

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
George Burns

Ms. Lillian Said It

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

THE IMPACT OF WAR

We went in as young boys and came out as old men.

Billy Lewis-- B-17 Middle Gunner after 45 bombing missions in WW II.

WORDS THAT I LOVE

Did you ever think about the words you never tire of hearing such as: I love you; thank you; I'm Daddy's girl; your kids are great; and many many others. There's another one for me that I never tire of hearing-- It's Football Time in Tennessee!

Words from Charles Darwin

The highest possible stage in moral culture is when we recognize that we ought to control our thoughts.

It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.

We must, however, acknowledge as it seems to me, that a man with all his noble qualities...still bears in his bodily frame the indelible stamp of his lowly origin.

THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law
a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought
you last year!"
And that's when the fight started.....

Terrible Joke... But Still Funny!

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom
mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said
to me,"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started........

More From the French Tehologian

In the final analysis, the questions of why bad things happen to good people transmutes itself into some very different questions, no longer asking why something happened, but asking how we will respond, what we intend to do now that it happened.

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Another Good Quote from the Frenchman

Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you haven't committed.

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Another Quote from the French Philosopher

Love alone can unite living beings so as to complete and fulfill them... for it alone joins them by what is deepest in themselves. All we need is to imagine our ability to love developing until it embraces the totality of men and the earth.

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

French Philosopher Said It & I Believe It...

Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire.

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

You Know You're Living in 2010 When...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You email your spouse who's in another room in the same house.

3. Your don't stay in touch with friends and family if they don't do e-mail.

4. You haven't sent a hand-written letter in years.

5. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. You are furious when the t.v. remote can't be found or doesn't work.

8. Leaving the house without your cell causes panic and you go back and get it.

9. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

10. You add really silly things nobody cares about on Facebook 3 times a day.

11. You frequently ask your nine-year-old grandchild for help with your cell phone.

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

How About A Litttle Humor To Offset the Election?!

1.WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES YOU CAN AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF, BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOUR ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

3. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LAXATIVE... YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH!

4. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN THIS LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE WD-40... IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE DUCT TAPE.

5. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

STAY IN BED?

If the best part of waking up is Folger's in your cup-- I'd suggest staying in bed!

A WORD FROM MARK TWAIN

“It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense."

REUNIONS

Every year summertime is filled with reunions-- High School, college, fraternities and sororities, athletic reunions and numerous others. But the biggest is the family reunion.

Being aware of several of these this summer, prompted me to ask myself, "What is a good reunion?" My conclusion? It's one when everybody has a reasonably good time and nobody gets their feelings hurt too badly and no one shows their behind too clearly. And best of all they only talk about each other on the way home!

Great Goal-- Hard to Attain

Find a job you like and you add five days to every week.

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

A Quote from Martin Luther King

There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love.

Will I Live to See 80?

Recently, a woman picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doc said she was doing "fairly well" for being 63. A little concerned about that comment, she couldn't resist asking, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

The doc asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer,wine, or hard liquor?"
"Oh no," she replied. "And I don't do drugs, either!"

Then the doc asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

"Very little," she replied... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," she replied with a smile.

That's when the doctor looked at her and said, "Then, why do you even give a s____?"

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE SENIORS

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled
over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper got
out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch,
then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can
give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll
let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a
Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

MORE WIVES HUMOR

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning..

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee..'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee..'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM.. Wake up..'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece!

HUMOR FOR THE WIVES

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

________________________________


WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day.... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to
men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

________________________________


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time...

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

LET FREEDOM RING

Then join hand in hand, brave Americans all!
By uniting we stand, by dividing we fall. ~John Dickinson

We must be free not because we claim freedom, but because we practice it. ~William Faulkner

My God! How little do my countrymen know what precious blessings they are in possession of, and which no other people on earth enjoy!
~Thomas Jefferson

What is the essence of America? Finding and maintaining that perfect, delicate balance between freedom "to" and freedom "from."
~Marilyn vos Savant

How often we fail to realize our good fortune in living in a country where happiness is more than a lack of tragedy. ~Paul Sweeney

From every mountain side
Let Freedom ring. ~Samuel F. Smith, "America"

Erma Bombeck On Independence Day

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism. ~Erma Bombeck

WISDOM FROM MILITARY TRAINING MANUALS

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.'
- Infantry Journal-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and'Oh S...!'
-Authors Unknown-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley ( Northrop test pilot) -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB , AZ-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.

The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

A TWISTED WORD OF WISDOM...

Give a man a fish and you will satisfy his hunger for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will drink beer and fish every weekend!

1981 Quote From Senator Barry Goldwater

RELIGIOUS FREEDOM

On religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being.

But like any powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both.

I'm frankly sick and tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in 'A,' 'B,' 'C,' and 'D.' Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me?

And I am even more angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans in the name of 'conservatism'.
Barry Goldwater, September 16, 1981.

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT

This only is denied to God: the power to undo the past. Agathon (448 BC)

At any rate, I am convinced that He [God] does not play dice. Albert Einstein

Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish. Albert Einstein

Or what about the statue in California currently said to be crying bloody tears? Why worry about the alleged weeping of a plaster effigy when so many actual human beings have reason to cry? Anna Quindlen

God is not dead but alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project. Anonymous, Graffito

The gods too are fond of a joke. Aristotle

When you want something really bad and you close your eyes and wish for it-- God's the guy who ignores you. Caspian Tredwell-Owen, and Alex Kurtzman

You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. Doris Egan

They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse. Emily Dickinson (1830 - 1886)

Thoughts for Memorial Day

On thy grave the rain shall fall from the eyes of a mighty nation!
~Thomas William Parsons

Although no sculptured marble should rise to their memory, nor engraved stone bear record of their deeds, yet will their remembrance be as lasting as the land they honored. ~Daniel Webster

With the tears a Land hath shed
Their graves should ever be green.~Thomas Bailey Aldrich

Are they dead that yet speak louder than we can speak, and a more universal language? Are they dead that yet act? Are they dead that yet move upon society and inspire the people with nobler motives and more heroic patriotism? ~Henry Ward Beecher

Green sods are all their monuments; and yet it tells
A nobler history than pillared piles,
Or the eternal pyramids.~James Gates Percival

Is't death to fall for Freedom's right?
He's dead alone who lacks her light!~Thomas Campbell

For love of country they accepted death... ~James A. Garfield

They fell, but o'er their glorious grave
Floats free the banner of the cause they died to save.~Francis Marion Crawford

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland

Blow out, you bugles, over the rich Dead!
There's none of these so lonely and poor of old,
But, dying, has made us rarer gifts than gold.~Rupert Brooke

The brave die never, though they sleep in dust:
Their courage nerves a thousand living men.~Minot J. Savage

The legacy of heroes is the memory of a great name and the inheritance of a great example. ~Benjamin Disraeli

And I'm proud to be an American,
where at least I know I'm free.
And I won't forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.~Lee Greenwood

They are dead; but they live in each Patriot's breast,
And their names are engraven on honor's bright crest.~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

How About Some Chauvinistic Sexist Humor?!

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her. David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Sigmund Freud

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Anonymous

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. Sam Kinison

I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't. James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Nash

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to. Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met. Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'.. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' Anonymous

The Best is Yet to Come

A woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and given three months to live, was getting her things "in order," so, she contacted her pastor to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.

She told him which songs she wanted sung and which scriptures read at her funeral. "There's one more thing," she said excitedly. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."

The pastor stood looking at the woman, not knowing quite what to say.

"That surprises you, doesn't it?" the woman asked.

"Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor.

The woman explained. "In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, when the dishes of the main course are being cleared, someone inevitably will announce, 'Keep your fork.' And everyone knows that a great dessert is coming-- like chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie; something wonderful!"

"So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand, and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then, I want you to tell them: 'Keep your fork - the best is yet to come.'"

40 Tips for an Exceptional, Superb & Powerful Life!

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.
3. Buy a Tivo (DVR), tape your late night shows and get more sleep.
4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, "My purpose is to___________ today."
5. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, Empathy.
6. Watch more movies, play more games and read more books than you did in 2009.
7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, tai chi, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.
8. Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
9. Dream more while you are awake.
10.Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less foods that are manufactured in "plants."
11. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.
12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
13. Clear your clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.
14.Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
15.Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
16.Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
17.Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away.
18.Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
19.Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
20.Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
21.You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
22.Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
23.Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
24.Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie (not you guys.) Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
25.No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26.Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27.Forgive everyone for everything.
28.What other people think of you is none of your business.
29.Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
30.However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31.Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
32.Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
33.Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
34.The best is yet to come.
35.No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
36.Do the right thing!
37.Call your family often.
38.Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: "I am thankful for __________." Today I accomplished _________.
39.Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
40.Enjoy the ride. Remember that this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

THE IMPORTANCE OF WALKING?!

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.





=

A LITTLE CHILD SHALL LEAD THEM?!

THE FOLLOWING ARE RESPONSES GIVEN BY 1ST GRADERS WHO FILLED IN THE SECOND HALF TO SOME WELL KNOWN PROVERBS-- WELL, AT LEAST THEY ARE WELL-KNOWN TO US OLD FOLKS.

1. Don't change horses-- until they stop running.

2. Strike while the-- bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before-- Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of-- termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but-- How?

6. Don't bite the hand that-- looks dirty.

7. No news is-- impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a-- Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new-- Math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll-- stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust-- Me.

12. The pen is mightier than the-- pigs.

13. An idle mind-- is the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's-- pollution.

15. Happy the bride who-- gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is-- not much.

17. Two's company, three's-- the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow-- what you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh & the world laughs with you, cry and-- You have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as-- Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not-- spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed-- get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you-- See in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind-- get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand-- is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than-- pregnant.

ORIGIN OF MOTHER'S DAY

Mother's Day began by a man from Cleveland who hated his mother and intended to kill her but changed his mind for fear of being caught. NO NO NO. I just made that up!!!! Here's the real story.

****

Historical Antecedents

Mother's Day emerged from a custom of mother worship in ancient Greece, which kept a festival to Cybele, a great mother of Greek gods.{Encyclopædia Britannica|(1959)Vol.15,p. 849} This festival was held around the Vernal Equinox around Asia Minor and eventually in Rome itself from the Ides of March (15 March) to 18 March.

The ancient Romans also had another holiday, Matronalia, that was dedicated to Juno, though mothers were usually given gifts on this day.

In Europe there were several long standing traditions where a specific Sunday was set aside to honor motherhood and mothers such as Mothering Sunday. Mothering Sunday celebrations are part of the liturgical calendar in several Christian denominations, including Anglicans, and in the Catholic calendar is marked as Laetare Sunday, the fourth Sunday in Lent to honour the Virgin Mary and your "mother" church (the main church of the area). Historians think that children who served in houses were given a day off on that date so they could visit their families. The children would pick wild flowers along the way to place them on the church or to give them to their mothers as gifts.[1]

International Women's Day was celebrated for the first time in 28 February 1909, in the US,[2] by which time Anna Jarvis had already begun her national campaign in the US. It is now celebrated in many countries on March 8.

The "Mother's Day Proclamation" by Julia Ward Howe was one of the early calls to celebrate Mother's Day in the United States. Written in 1870, Howe's Mother's Day Proclamation was a pacifist reaction to the carnage of the American Civil War and the Franco-Prussian War. The Proclamation was tied to Howe's feminist belief that women had a responsibility to shape their societies at the political level.

Spelling
In 1912, Anna Jarvis trademarked the phrases "second Sunday in May" and "Mother's Day", and created the Mother's Day International Association.[3][4]

"She was specific about the location of the apostrophe; it was to be a singular possessive, for each family to honour their mother, not a plural possessive commemorating all mothers in the world."[3]
This is also the spelling used by U.S. President Woodrow Wilson in the law making official the holiday in the U.S., by the U.S. Congress on bills,[5][6] and by other U.S. presidents on their declarations.[7]

Common usage in English language also dictates that the ostensibly singular possessive "Mother's Day" is the preferred spelling, although "Mothers' Day" (plural possessive) is not unheard of.

Dates around the world
As the US holiday was adopted by other countries and cultures, the date was changed to fit already existing celebrations honouring motherhood, like Mothering Sunday in the UK or the Orthodox celebration of Jesus in the temple in Greece. In some countries it was changed to dates that were significant to the majority religion, like the Virgin Mary day in Catholic countries, or the birthday of the daughter of the Prophet Muhammad in Islamic countries. Other countries changed it to historical dates, like Bolivia using the date of a certain battle where women participated.[8] See the "International history and traditions" section for the complete list.

Note: Countries that celebrate the International Women's Day instead of Mother's Day are marked with a dagger '†'.[clarification needed]

*****

AND NOW YOU KNOW. BUT I SWEAR I THOUGHT HALLMARK DID THE WHOLE THING!

Quotes about Mothers

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. ~Tenneva Jordan

Hundreds of dewdrops to greet the dawn,
Hundreds of bees in the purple clover,
Hundreds of butterflies on the lawn,
But only one mother the wide world over.
~George Cooper

Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs... since the payment is pure love. ~Mildred B. Vermont

The sweetest sounds to mortals given
Are heard in Mother, Home, and Heaven.
~William Goldsmith Brown

A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. ~Peter De Vries

If the whole world were put into one scale, and my mother in the other, the whole world would kick the beam. ~Lord Langdale (Henry Bickersteth)

Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while, but their hearts forever. ~Author Unknown

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. ~Rajneesh

All mothers are working mothers. ~Author Unknown

When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.
~Sophia Loren, Women and Beauty

Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible. ~Marion C. Garretty

Mother - that was the bank where we deposited all our hurts and worries.
~T. DeWitt Talmage

A mother is a mother still,
The holiest thing alive.
~Samuel Taylor Coleridge

The real religion of the world comes from women much more than from men - from mothers most of all, who carry the key of our souls in their bosoms.
~Oliver Wendell Holmes

God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers. ~Jewish Proverb

A mother understands what a child does not say. ~Author Unknown

I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life. ~Abraham Lincoln

My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. ~Phyllis Diller

Woman in the home has not yet lost her dignity, in spite of Mother's Day, with its offensive implication that our love needs an annual nudging, like our enthusiasm for the battle of Bunker Hill. ~John Erskine

Women's Liberation is just a lot of foolishness. It's the men who are discriminated against. They can't bear children. And no one's likely to do anything about that. ~Golda Meir

A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories. ~John Wilmot

You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back. ~William D. Tammeus

Five Rules for Healthy Living

1. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her- believe them.

2. Perhaps the best advice your mother gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"

3. If you’re over 50, never pass up an opportunity to use the bathroom.

4. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

5. Living well really is the best revenge.

Quotes from the Kite Runner

"It’s hard to love somebody who sees the world as black and white, without also fearing them.”

“I know it doesn’t absolve anyone of anything, but the Kabul we lived in in those days was a strange world, one in which some things mattered more than the truth.”

“Sometimes, I think everything he did, feeding the poor on the streets, building the orphanage, giving money to friends in need, it was all his way of redeeming himself. And that, I believe, is what true redemption, is, Amir jan, when guilt leads to good."

"Perspective was a luxury when your head was constantly buzzing with a swarm of demons.”

“I thought of a line I’d read somewhere, or maybe I’d heard someone say it: There are a lot of children in Afghanistan, but little childhood.”

More Humor about the Flood

The Wolf River is so high, you can see under it...

DOUBT YOU WILL BELIEVE THIS, BUT...

An hour after it stopped raining today, a bucket in our backyard ran over for another 30 minutes?! dd

A Little Humor is Good for the Soul

"The doctors told me I only had six months to live. But after six months I still hadn't paid my bill, so, they gave me another six months." Boxcar Willie

Reflections on Key West

The motorcycle ride from Memphis to Key West with my good friend, Jerry Wagley, was to check-off one more thing on both of our bucket lists, which we did. Thoroughly enjoyed the 1500 or so miles with great weather, great sights, and altogether great fun. Spent parts of 3 days and two nights in Key West-- nearly all of which was spent on Duval Street. So, let me tell you about Duval.

Duval street is the heart and soul of Key West and is known as the drunkest street in America. Why? Because Duval is 14 blocks long in which there are 100 bars, saloons, and other establishments that serve adult beverages. In that 14 blocks are souvenir stores, tatoo shops, restaurants, exotic dance clubs, ice cream parlors, and a jewelry store or two. There's also Ernest Hemmingway's home, St. Paul's Episcopal Church, Jimmy Duffet's Margarittaville and the Little White House of Pres. Harry Truman.

From the Southernmost Point in the USA on the South end to the Sunset Celebration (everyday of the year) on the other end, to say the least, Duval is where it's happening in Key West, Florida. Duval is a little bit of Bourbon Street, a little bit of Beale Street, a little bit of Haight-Ashbury in San Franciso, and a little bit of Ringling Bros Circus.

Duval was very clean-- no panhandlers, no obnoxious drunks (although there was plenty of adult beverages being consumed) and no fear of being mugged or having your pocket picked. There were plenty of street people, trying to make a living in whatever way they could pick up a buck here and there, but they were working their craft. I am so disappointed that I did not have my camera to snap the picture of a man sitting on a stool with a sign that read: Dirty Jokes: $1.00. Now, that's doing whatever it takes to make a living-- and I might add, for a couple of bucks, I picked up a couple of good ones!

So, what did I think of Duval Street? It's just a little bitty street in Key West town, nothing too high toned, with alot of good will and maybe one small thrill, but there ain't nothing dirty going on.

Reflections on Key

Riding the Wind...

Leaving tomorrow morning (April 11) from Memphis to Key West on a motorcycle ride with my dear friend, Jerry Wagley. Expect to take two weeks going down the West Coast of Florida and coming back on the East Coast all the way to Wilmington, NC and then home. Whuh hah!

To quote my daughter, Leanne Doyle Duncan on her birthday, "When it comes to parenting-- days are long but years are short."

A Powerful Quote From Ralph Waldo Emerson

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

No Matter Who You Are, That's Funny!

Ten Mark Twain Zingers

Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.

Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.

The report of my death was an exaggeration.

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

FROM SOCRATES HIMSELF

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Death may be the greatest of all human blessings.

Envy is the ulcer of the soul.

The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance.

The unexamined life is not worth living.

THE SEARCH FOR PEACE OF MIND

Many people who come to see me for intensive therapy totally identify with this song. Written by Bono and released by U2 in 1987, it's still extremely relevant. After reading the lyrics, check out YouTube and listen to this haunting search for purpose and passion in life.

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

I have climbed highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well yes I'm still running

You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for...

WORDS OF A FIRST GRADER

"When the blind leadeth the blind... somebody's gonna get hurt!"

A LITTLE CHILD SHALL LEAD THEM... (A Very Personal Story)

Martha and I are extremely fortunate to have seven wonderful grandchildren who teach us more and more about life, living, and the pursuit of happiness. (Wish I had been much wiser when raising their parents! But that's another story.) Two of our grandkids are five-year-old twin boys who attend public school kindergarten in a racially mixed class.

A few nights ago as their dad was lying down with them before bed, Ty asks, "Dad, Wanda (an African American child,not her real name) says black and white people don't like each other, is that true?" Kelly not knowing replies, "Is Wanda black?" Colby replies, "No." Then Kelly asks, "Are there any black kids in your class?" Ty,answers "No." Then thinking about it he says, "There are some brown ones but no black ones." Kelly smiles from ear to ear and says "good night" to his twin boys who've never been taught any form of racial prejudice. He goes downstairs and tells Leanne and they cherish the moment.

Leanne knows Wanda's mother who is a nurse in another school where Leanne does psychotherapy with troubled children. So, she decides to tell the story to Wanda's mother, who laughs just as much as Leanne, and then replies in this awesome manner. "Leanne, Wanda doesn't know she's black. We've never told her!"

Later that evening, Leanne decides to follow-up with the boys and asks, "Remember that conversation you had with dad about black, white, and brown kids in your class? They nod. "Are there any white kids in your class?" Both reply, "No." Then she says, "Are you white?" Both say, "No." "What color are you?" Colby, pulls up the sleeve on his shirt and replies, "Tan."

On my God in heaven may they never learn that they are white and may Wanda never learn that she's black. And better yet, may we learn from these five-year-olds that all prejudices are LEARNED and then remember that everything that is LEARNED CAN BE UNLEARNED. Please God, please.

2009 REPORT CARD

As you begin 2010 how would you grade your 2009 report card? From 1-10, with 1 being the worst and 10 being the best, how would you grade yourself in the following areas and why?

Man/Woman_____

Son/Daughter_____

Husband/Wife_____

Father/Mother_____

Sibling_____

Grandfather/Grandmother_____

Career or whatever you call work_____

Overall rating regarding how you used your life in 2009_____

If you knew you only had a month to live, what would you try to do before you croaked?

If you died tonight, other than being dead!), what would be your greatest regret of 2009?

How would you like your epitaph to read?

Now that we’ve dealt with the 2009 Report Card and death issues, during the past year when did you FEEL the most alive?