Many years ago, I overheard this conversation from a father trying to communicate with his four-year-old son. I might add, the father only had four levels of communication-- loud, louder, loudest, and off the chart. A former Marine drill sergeant, even when he said, "Good morning!" you thought you needed to snap your heels together and salute. Here's the transaction.
"Marvin, don't take that glass!" A few seconds later and louder, "Marvin, give me that glass!!" Another few seconds and even louder, "Marvin, don't drop that glass!!!" And then the clincher and off the chart, "Marvin, don't step in that glass!!!!"
Parents don't have a chance, do they? Not much at least. It's either too much or too little; too soon or too late; too strict or too lenient.
Parenting is an incredibly tough job and nobody is an expert, including the experts. Having raised three kids, and having worked with families for many years, I have a deep sensitivity to parents.
One of the encouraging signs today, is the willingness of parents to seek professional help with their children and adolescents. As a result, many problems are solved earlier rather later before they excalate to something bigger.
Parents, help is available, don't wait till Marvin steps in the glass.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY
Never give up on a man until he has failed at something he likes.
Those who say it can't be done are usually interrupted by others doing it.
Beauty as we feel it is something indescribable. What it is or what it means can never be said.
Nobody has ever bet enough on a winning horse.
A thick skin is a gift from God.
Those who say it can't be done are usually interrupted by others doing it.
Beauty as we feel it is something indescribable. What it is or what it means can never be said.
Nobody has ever bet enough on a winning horse.
A thick skin is a gift from God.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
JUST FOR FUN
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't .
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
I have a degree in Liberal Arts; do you want fries with that?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
I have a degree in Liberal Arts; do you want fries with that?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
THE PARADOX OF MARRIAGE
Marriage is one of life's greatest paradoxes-- it's the source of life's greatest pleasure and the source of life's greatest pain. Frequently the same relationship is the source of both these experiences. How could this be? Doesn't make sense does it? Maybe it does.
A great relationship, that produces intense pleasure, is the product of emotional intimacy, which comes through being open, honest, and vulnerable. And vulnerability is the window through which blows the warm breeze of pleasure and the cold wind of pain.
In fact, you can't have it both ways-- open to the pleasure and protected from the pain. Intimacy is not a semi--permeable membrane that lets the pleasure through and filters out the pain.
The good news is, with some efficient help, a relationship that is experiencing great pain is normally not very far from recovering the pleasure.
A great relationship, that produces intense pleasure, is the product of emotional intimacy, which comes through being open, honest, and vulnerable. And vulnerability is the window through which blows the warm breeze of pleasure and the cold wind of pain.
In fact, you can't have it both ways-- open to the pleasure and protected from the pain. Intimacy is not a semi--permeable membrane that lets the pleasure through and filters out the pain.
The good news is, with some efficient help, a relationship that is experiencing great pain is normally not very far from recovering the pleasure.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
THE GUILT-RIDDEN MISSIONARY
For more than 20 years, he'd been a missionary to the far east, with a sterling record of ministry in starting missions and helping churches. But he was terribly depressed and walked around bent forward, head down, looking at the ground most of the time.
In therapy he told his secret-- he was addicted to pornography and had been all his adult life. His life-long poor self-image was exacerbated by guilt from his actions and the terror of being caught. Depression was the residue from it all.
Depression isn't a feeling, it's the result of feelings that are unexpressed and unfinished, like shame, fear, guilt, anger.
Healing begins when the secret is out-- it did for this man of the cloth-- who now stands tall and proud. Telling the secret does not automatically fix the problem but it is the required first step.
In therapy he told his secret-- he was addicted to pornography and had been all his adult life. His life-long poor self-image was exacerbated by guilt from his actions and the terror of being caught. Depression was the residue from it all.
Depression isn't a feeling, it's the result of feelings that are unexpressed and unfinished, like shame, fear, guilt, anger.
Healing begins when the secret is out-- it did for this man of the cloth-- who now stands tall and proud. Telling the secret does not automatically fix the problem but it is the required first step.
Friday, June 20, 2008
DEALING WITH LOSS
Grief is the process we go through over losing that which we value. The depth of your grief is directly proportional to the amount of your self-worth that is invested in that which is lost.
So, losing a mate, or a job, or losing your health, or a child leaving home, or moving to a new city or new house, brings the experience of grief.
Few things are as common to our lives, yet handled so poorly as grief; primarily because our culture teaches DENIAL as the method of choice in dealing with loss. "Don't cry out loud, just keep it inside and learn out to hide your feelings" was the way the classic song from '79 said it.
We can and do heal from our losses, big and small, but never until we get past denial. People in therapy often discover that unfinished grief work is the underlying cause of their life's dysfunction. It might be the same for you.
So, losing a mate, or a job, or losing your health, or a child leaving home, or moving to a new city or new house, brings the experience of grief.
Few things are as common to our lives, yet handled so poorly as grief; primarily because our culture teaches DENIAL as the method of choice in dealing with loss. "Don't cry out loud, just keep it inside and learn out to hide your feelings" was the way the classic song from '79 said it.
We can and do heal from our losses, big and small, but never until we get past denial. People in therapy often discover that unfinished grief work is the underlying cause of their life's dysfunction. It might be the same for you.
A MUCH TOO COMMON STORY
As a high school senior, he set three goals for himself-- be an All--American football player, marry a beauty queen, and make a million dollars before he was 30.
He made All--American twice, married two beauty queens, made two million dollars before he was 30 and when I met him in therapy he had just tried to kill himself. Attaining all of his life-long goals and still feeling miserable about himself, brought unbearable despair and he tried to end his life.
He hated himself and his childhood history but he was taught and promised that he could overcome his past, could feel good about himself, IF he set some high goals and reached them.
But it didn't work for him and it won't work for you or me, because "you can never get enough of what you don't need."
Fortunately, this man got another chance and this time he focused on the inside rather than the outside and it worked.
He made All--American twice, married two beauty queens, made two million dollars before he was 30 and when I met him in therapy he had just tried to kill himself. Attaining all of his life-long goals and still feeling miserable about himself, brought unbearable despair and he tried to end his life.
He hated himself and his childhood history but he was taught and promised that he could overcome his past, could feel good about himself, IF he set some high goals and reached them.
But it didn't work for him and it won't work for you or me, because "you can never get enough of what you don't need."
Fortunately, this man got another chance and this time he focused on the inside rather than the outside and it worked.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
A RUT OR A GROOVE?
In frontier days, roadways often had signs that read, Pick Your Ruts Well– You'll be in them for the next 100 miles!
During relational therapy, I hear a lot of complaints about being in a rut, nothing ever changing, starting over again and again, only to end up back in the same old rut.
They identify totally with the sign, Pick your ruts well you'll be in them for the next 100 miles.
Why is that so? Why do we end up back in the same old ruts? Well, for starters, because we play the blame game, and we try to make changes by focusing on behavior rather than causes, and we deal with facts rather than feelings. It seldom works.
But it's an interesting thing how so many relationships that are in a rut have the potential to get in a groove. It takes some work but it may not be as far from a rut to a groove as you think.
During relational therapy, I hear a lot of complaints about being in a rut, nothing ever changing, starting over again and again, only to end up back in the same old rut.
They identify totally with the sign, Pick your ruts well you'll be in them for the next 100 miles.
Why is that so? Why do we end up back in the same old ruts? Well, for starters, because we play the blame game, and we try to make changes by focusing on behavior rather than causes, and we deal with facts rather than feelings. It seldom works.
But it's an interesting thing how so many relationships that are in a rut have the potential to get in a groove. It takes some work but it may not be as far from a rut to a groove as you think.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
PERFECTIONISM
Perfectionism seems to have reached epidemic proportions in our culture. Perfectionism isn't about doing things well-- it's about never being satisfied with how you do things and no matter what you do, it's never enough.
Perfectionism is seen in three modes.
Those who expect it of themselves but not others;
those who expect it of others but not themselves;
and those who expect it of themselves and others.
Our culture promotes it through education, athletics, and religion, as well as other avenues. But perfectionism is demonic and enormously destructive to individuals, marriages, children and families.
Perfectionism prevents peace of mind and contentment with living and is the underlying cause of much anxiety, depression and addictions.
The good news is, perfectionism is learned and with some good help, it can be unlearned.
Perfectionism is seen in three modes.
Those who expect it of themselves but not others;
those who expect it of others but not themselves;
and those who expect it of themselves and others.
Our culture promotes it through education, athletics, and religion, as well as other avenues. But perfectionism is demonic and enormously destructive to individuals, marriages, children and families.
Perfectionism prevents peace of mind and contentment with living and is the underlying cause of much anxiety, depression and addictions.
The good news is, perfectionism is learned and with some good help, it can be unlearned.
Dream On
Many people who come into therapy have unfinished grief work over broken dreams. Sometimes its a lost childhood, a marriage turned sour, a child gone astray, alienation from a parent, fired from a job, or loss of a career.
The list of broken dreams can be long and painful. The goal in therapy is always, two-fold: help in grieving the broken dream and help in retrieving the courage to dream again.
Sometimes the second phase is more difficult than the first. But if genuine healing occurs, you will not only heal from the loss but will take the risk of dreaming again.
Hubert White said it very well.
"I've dreamed many dreams that never came true, I've seen them vanish at dawn. But I've realized enough of my dreams, thank God, To make me keep dreaming on."
Therapy can help you dream again.
The list of broken dreams can be long and painful. The goal in therapy is always, two-fold: help in grieving the broken dream and help in retrieving the courage to dream again.
Sometimes the second phase is more difficult than the first. But if genuine healing occurs, you will not only heal from the loss but will take the risk of dreaming again.
Hubert White said it very well.
"I've dreamed many dreams that never came true, I've seen them vanish at dawn. But I've realized enough of my dreams, thank God, To make me keep dreaming on."
Therapy can help you dream again.
Better Late Than Never
Par for the course, when it comes to taking advantage of cyber space technology, I seem to be a day late and a dollar short. My brother-in-law, Jerry Kirkpatrick, once said I was like Fred Flintstone, still putting my feet down to stop my car. I said a very ugly word back to him but I knew in my heart he was right, which brings me to my main point-- This Blog. I've been told at least 100 times that I should start a blog so for whatever it's worth, here goes.
My effort at doing this is going to depend on you. I want to hear from you regarding what you'd like me to include in this space-- stories, maxims, life lessons, family stuff, self-help ideas? You tell me and I'll give it a try.
So, if better late than never is in fact true, then I'm on good footing. Let me hear from you.
dd
My effort at doing this is going to depend on you. I want to hear from you regarding what you'd like me to include in this space-- stories, maxims, life lessons, family stuff, self-help ideas? You tell me and I'll give it a try.
So, if better late than never is in fact true, then I'm on good footing. Let me hear from you.
dd
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