In the introduction to his classic non-fiction novel, In Cold Blood.
"We all have our souls and we all have our facades, and then there's something in between that makes us function as people."
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
PARENTS GROW, TOO.
The growth and evolution of parents in multi-children families is quite interesting, remarkable, and at times down right humorous. Let me explain. If an honest confession is good for the soul, then I'll take my turn in the tank.
Let's start with the pictures that were made of our three children. Matt was born in 1964 and over the next four years, Martha and I made rolls of home movies of that little guy. I spliced them together and in our collection is at least two solid hours of Matt-- just Matt. Born four years later, we also made home movies of Leanne, but that reel is at best 45 minutes long. Chad came along four years later and we made a couple of snapshots of him with a box camera!!
Take illnesses. If Matt had the sniffles, we called the pediatrician. If Leanne had 102 fever, we gave her a cool bath and a baby aspirin and rocked her to sleep. If Chad swallowed a quarter, I took it out of his allowance!
Now, of course, you know none of the above is totally true but it does have an element of truth in it-- as parents grow with the process of parenting they become much more reasonable, relaxed, and confident.
So, to all you young parents, stay cool, it'll be alright. To all you older parents, tell those younger parents that what I've just said is true.
Let's start with the pictures that were made of our three children. Matt was born in 1964 and over the next four years, Martha and I made rolls of home movies of that little guy. I spliced them together and in our collection is at least two solid hours of Matt-- just Matt. Born four years later, we also made home movies of Leanne, but that reel is at best 45 minutes long. Chad came along four years later and we made a couple of snapshots of him with a box camera!!
Take illnesses. If Matt had the sniffles, we called the pediatrician. If Leanne had 102 fever, we gave her a cool bath and a baby aspirin and rocked her to sleep. If Chad swallowed a quarter, I took it out of his allowance!
Now, of course, you know none of the above is totally true but it does have an element of truth in it-- as parents grow with the process of parenting they become much more reasonable, relaxed, and confident.
So, to all you young parents, stay cool, it'll be alright. To all you older parents, tell those younger parents that what I've just said is true.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
FIVE RULES FOR HEALTHY LIVING
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. Never go anywhere without WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The four most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship– "I apologize" and "You’re right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately– it's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
2. Never go anywhere without WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The four most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship– "I apologize" and "You’re right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately– it's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Funny Bones
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Friday, August 21, 2009
BEING PREPARED
Vince Lombardi is often quoted as saying Winning isn’t everything, it's the only thing. But that’s a misquote, a bad misquote.
Lombardi’s emphasis was on being prepared to win as being the only way to play a game or do life. You put in everything that is required in order to win and then if you don’t it’s okay, or at least tolerable and you shorten the stroke and try again.
That means if you revive or retrieve your dream, you go into it this time determined to be prepared to win, to make it a reality.
Lombardi’s emphasis was on being prepared to win as being the only way to play a game or do life. You put in everything that is required in order to win and then if you don’t it’s okay, or at least tolerable and you shorten the stroke and try again.
That means if you revive or retrieve your dream, you go into it this time determined to be prepared to win, to make it a reality.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
A Little More Rodney...
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Rodney Dangerfield Classics
Life is just a bowl of pits.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt
Friday, August 14, 2009
Murphy's Law
If bread falls from the table, it will always fall jelly side down.
If anything can go wrong, it will. And it will be all your fault, and everyone will know it.
If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
The hidden flaw never stays hidden for long.
Mother nature is a bitch.
Things get worse under pressure.
Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
If anything can go wrong, it will. And it will be all your fault, and everyone will know it.
If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
The hidden flaw never stays hidden for long.
Mother nature is a bitch.
Things get worse under pressure.
Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
So You Think English is Easy...
We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
DRAFTING GUYS OVER 60...
New Direction for any War: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry." We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-o-b...."
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
ANONYMOUS
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry." We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-o-b...."
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
ANONYMOUS
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
FINAL REPORT CARD
If you knew you were going to die tonight, how would YOU grade your final report card? From 1-10, with 1 being the worst and 10 being the best, how would you grade yourself in the following areas and why?
Man/Woman_____
Son/Daughter_____
Husband/Wife_____
Father/Mother_____
Sibling_____
Grandfather/Grandmother_____
Career or whatever you call work_____
Overall rating regarding how you used your life_____
*****
If you knew you only had a month to live, what would you try to do before you croaked? (Use back of sheet if needed.)
If you died tonight, (other than being dead!), what would be your greatest regret? (Use back of sheet if needed.)
What is likely to be the cause of your death?
How would you like your epitaph to read?
Man/Woman_____
Son/Daughter_____
Husband/Wife_____
Father/Mother_____
Sibling_____
Grandfather/Grandmother_____
Career or whatever you call work_____
Overall rating regarding how you used your life_____
*****
If you knew you only had a month to live, what would you try to do before you croaked? (Use back of sheet if needed.)
If you died tonight, (other than being dead!), what would be your greatest regret? (Use back of sheet if needed.)
What is likely to be the cause of your death?
How would you like your epitaph to read?
Monday, August 10, 2009
Gems from Charles Dickens
Minds, like bodies, will often fall into a pimpled, ill-conditioned state from mere excess of comfort.
Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pound ought and six, result misery.
Train up a fig tree in the way it should go, and when you are old sit under the shade of it.
Reflect on your present blessings, of which every man has many; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.
Subdue your appetites, my dears, and you've conquered human nature.
No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.
Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pound ought and six, result misery.
Train up a fig tree in the way it should go, and when you are old sit under the shade of it.
Reflect on your present blessings, of which every man has many; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.
Subdue your appetites, my dears, and you've conquered human nature.
No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
FDR
This great Nation will endure as it has endured, will revive and will prosper. So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself– nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Funny Bones
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I'm making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You're one of the changes."
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around
You're not going anywhere.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I'm making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You're one of the changes."
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around
You're not going anywhere.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
Cocoon
I am a being in the cocoon,
Churning, changing, soul consumed.
Pushing, struggling, mind confused,
A battle between left and right ensues.
Mazes, miracles, black and white,
Give me strength to calm this fight.
Darkness holds to doubtful avail,
I will continue blindly on this trail.
Light seems distant but presently so,
One barefoot step rolls heel to toe.
Glimpses of norm flicker behind my clear eye,
Death is coming knowingly, this is its final cry.
I am a being in the cocoon,
Churning, changing, soul consumed.
Jennifer Dethloff
Churning, changing, soul consumed.
Pushing, struggling, mind confused,
A battle between left and right ensues.
Mazes, miracles, black and white,
Give me strength to calm this fight.
Darkness holds to doubtful avail,
I will continue blindly on this trail.
Light seems distant but presently so,
One barefoot step rolls heel to toe.
Glimpses of norm flicker behind my clear eye,
Death is coming knowingly, this is its final cry.
I am a being in the cocoon,
Churning, changing, soul consumed.
Jennifer Dethloff
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Shakespeare
A wretched soul, bruised with adversity,
We bid be quiet when we hear it cry;
But were we burdened with like weight of pain,
As much or more we should ourselves complain.
We bid be quiet when we hear it cry;
But were we burdened with like weight of pain,
As much or more we should ourselves complain.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Harry Emerson Fosdick Said It...
God is not a cosmic bellboy for whom we can press a button to get things done.
Hold a picture of yourself long and steadily enough in your mind's eye, and you will be drawn toward it.
The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
Don't simply retire from something; have something to retire to.
Rebellion against your handicaps gets you nowhere. Self-pity gets you nowhere. One must have the adventurous daring to accept oneself as a bundle of possibilities and undertake the most interesting game in the world - making the most of one's best.
Hold a picture of yourself long and steadily enough in your mind's eye, and you will be drawn toward it.
The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
Don't simply retire from something; have something to retire to.
Rebellion against your handicaps gets you nowhere. Self-pity gets you nowhere. One must have the adventurous daring to accept oneself as a bundle of possibilities and undertake the most interesting game in the world - making the most of one's best.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
