NEVER STOP LAUGHING

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she
replied. 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is
the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply
replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half
blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly
feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have
lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I
decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the
time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she
had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the
preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'Then I'll be sure my
daughters visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as
sharp as it used to be.

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I
never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing
because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing

TOP TEN WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) "Fine": This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) "Five Minutes": If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) "Nothing": This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in "fine."

(4) "Go Ahead": This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) "Loud Sigh": Actually this is not a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) "That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

( 7) "Thanks": Reply "You're welcome." (However, a word of caution-- this is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' which means she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'-- that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) "Whatever": Is a woman's way of saying "*$^@-- YOU!"

(9) "Don't worry about it, I got it.": Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

(10) "Do you think I'm your mother?!" Do not reply to this one at all. Pretend to be having a heart attack and whisper "Call 9-1-1."

CHANGE

Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.

King Whitney Jr.

Deliberate Living

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.

Henry David Thoreau, Walden (1854)

HAVE YOU QUIT DREAMING?

A father and his 20-year-old son were riding down the Interstate; the boy was driving. They passed a Cadillac SUV Sport Escalade– that’s the one that looks like a tank and sells for about 50k. Son said, “That’s what I want– right there– and I’m gonna get me one.”

Dad says, “What? Do you know how much those things cost? You’re not out of college. You don’t even have a job. That’s absurd to talk about buying a vehicle like that.”

It was quiet for a moment and then son said, “Dad, do you know what your problem is? You don’t even recognize dreaming when you hear it.”

Dad had quit dreaming a long time ago and didn’t want anyone around him to do it either.


How about you?

YOU COULD HAVE HEARD A PIN DROP

When in England, at a fairly large conference, Condi Rice was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building' by George Bush. She answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.'
You could have heard a pin drop.

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'
You could have heard a pin drop.

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The American said, ''The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!' The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'
You could have heard a pin drop.

EVEN HALLMARK HAS A BAD DAY!

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
'What the hell was I thinking?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
-----------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
_________________________

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
____________________

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
____________________

We have been friends for a very long time.
let's say we stop?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

====================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
_______________

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
_______________

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay