Why Men Should Never Be Depressed

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.

A gas station restroom is never too icky.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays it's original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can shower, shave, and get dressed in 15 minutes tops.
You can wear the same colors year round.
You can do Christmas shopping in 25 minutes.

Thoughts to Ponder

Everything you can imagine is real. If you want a trait, act as if you already have the trait.

He who desires but does not act, breeds depression.

Common sense is not so common but it never changes.

A generation of readers will spawn a generation of writers.

It is a sobering thought, that when Mozart was my age he had been dead for 34 years!

Everyone is trying to accomplish something big, not realizing that life is made up of little things.

To administer is to govern: to govern is to reign. That is the essence of the problem.

Consistency is contrary to nature, contrary to life.

The only completely consistent people are the dead.

JUST FOR LAUGHS #2

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me
how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears
and asks him how he is feeling.'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the
four letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!'
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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old woman looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, he's there!'

JUST FOR LAUGHS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage,
and Family values.Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my Intelligence come from?'The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'
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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said.
'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids.'

Funeral For A Homeless Man

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before. And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

From the Mouths of Babes...

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque... "pastor, what is this?"

The pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,

"Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:00?"

A MUST READ

BANANAS & MILKDUDS

Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated...
He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a
F-14 Tomcat.. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get
To 'Milk Duds', your sense of humor is seriously broken.
This message is for America 's most famous athletes:

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's
Most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have. John Elway,
John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity,
Let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity.... Move to Guam .

Change your name.
Fake your own death!
Whatever you do.

Do Not Go!!!

I know.

The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped.
I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would
Be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station
Oceana in Virginia Beach ..

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks
Like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair,
Finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles
Dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the
Other way. Fast.

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the
Voice of NASA missions. ('T-minus 15 seconds and counting'. Remember?)
Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad.
Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting
For him to say, 'We have liftoff'.

Biff was to fly me in an F- 14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million
Weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie.
I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked
Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.

'Bananas,' he said.

'For the potassium?' I asked.

'No,' Biff said, 'because they taste about the same coming up
As they do going down.'

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name
Sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot.
But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had
Instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened
Me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would 'egress' me out
Of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked
Unconscious.

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me,
And Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up In minutes we were firing nose
Up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80.
It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails.
We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and
Dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute.
We chased another F-14, and it chased us.

We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at
200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5,
Which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing
Against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs.. Colin Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas.

And I egressed the pizza from the night before.

And the lunch before that.

I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.

I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing
Stuff that never thought would be egressed.

I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point,
As we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock
Bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I
Was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person
In history to throw down.

I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass,
Or Norman making a five-iron bite.. But now I really know 'cool'.
Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves.
I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm
glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever
makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said
he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd
send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it? I asked.

'Two Bags'

God Bless America!











































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